Tag Archives: sorting myself out

For D

24 Nov

“Daisy thinks you hate her” said my sister. Hate? seriously?  Daisy is one of my bestest friends,  i was seventeen when we met and i must say we are as different as chalk and cheese. Though we have a few things in common it is hard to believe we are that close. For example reading comes naturally for me but to get her to finish a book is like climbing mount Everest. she is a gifted artist, i can’t draw to save my life, i take every thing serious, her on the other hand seems to take every thing lightly(lucky babe!), i am a go getter while she is laid back. A couple of months ago after this incident, we had a heated argument and i stormed out, may be i expect too much from my friend?

At the beginning of the year my other BFF had a similar incident, till today i am not sure what happened that night but it caused her to delete herself off Facebook, no Skype, even messages and phone calls where not answered or returned, luckily she lives in Europe and she took time to sort her self out but the challenge was when she decided to start talking to me, to be honest, i did not want to, going AWOL and coming back like nothing happened! Any way i got an email for her saying she was dealing with a few issues and i simply told her when she is done with her issues i would be waiting for her.

I decided to take a step back and evaluate my choices(not my friends). May be i am too hard on them? should i lower my expectations(they are pretty low if you ask me), should i stand and watch them walk down that path of self-destruction and live with the guilt for the rest of my life? No, then what is my use as a friend?

Simply, no, i do not hate you(is it even possible?) i have been dealing with a lot of issues, very personal issues and i put your issues on hold(for the first time in years), i realised that you are a grown arse woman and need to make your own choices with out you wondering how i would take it, above all, i am learning how to be your friend not your mother.

I am tired of being the strong one, when Wale left me, i shrugged it off but it took a year for me to get over him and it was hard, i was afraid to love any one, i thought they would leave too. It affected all my other relationships as i waited for them to get bored with me and move on. I had to take time to deal with my self and the truth was not pretty. To say i am done with sorting out my issues would be a lie. In my own time i shall come back but i am not sure things will be the same as i need to learn to let go, to let you fly and deal with the consequences of your actions.

Just because i did not see you over the weekend does not mean i don’t love you! In between burying my Grandma, watching my Dad cry and saying good-bye to my Mum, i honestly did not have any more energy to start sorting out our issues. I pray we can talk soon but right now my family comes first.

Above all i had tight deadlines for school(my tutor called today and i passed!) it was tough, i slept on average 3-4 hours a day, i quit my job with no other job in sight, i quit because i want to move country (so badly) but i guess i am stuck here for a while. It was tougher than i thought but God has been good to me.

I am and will always be your friend but for now i will be the silent one. I love you(always and forever).

P.S: I still have that picture of us as my phone screen saver.

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